雅思写作6.5分容易出现哪些失分原因?烤鸭们注意啦!下面和小编一起来看看逐句分析:
题目:Some people believe that everyone can create art i.e. paintings, music, poetry while others believe only people with special talent can create art. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
解析:这是雅思大作文的常见题型,写作结构安排可以是四段式,开头段给出个人观点,两个主体段分别论述一个观点并给出自己观点,结尾段总结全文。开头段给出个人观点能够确保全文立场清晰一致,上7必备。
开头段:Undoubtedly, art is an expression of our feelings that is to say everyone can create a painting, music, or poetry or not. It is true that some people believe that only when owning an exceptional talent can someone create art while others insist that art belongs to anyone. The fact is that I am personally inclined to believe that special art can only be provided by talented artists.
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解析:开头段清楚地改述了题目并给出了个人立场,语法和句式都不错,但词汇方面存在较多问题,标点也不准确,具体问题包括:
that is to say:这是个好的表达,但应该用分号与后文断开。
or not:表达不自然,可能这种说法在考生母语里很常用,但英语里并不这么用。可以改为:Perhaps everyone can create a …or poetry or perhaps they cannot.
owning:用词搭配不当,正确的搭配是possess a talent。虽然possess和own意思接近,但7分需要用词精准,卡6.5分的考生要注意。
anyone:考生其实是想说everyone,anyone通常用在否定句或问句中。
The fact is:这句需要用逗号断开,否则读者不知道何时停顿,影响理解从而影响CC分数。
provide art:搭配错误。
主体段1:On the hand, there are those who believe that art is whenever wherever. So, not only do toddlers can manage drawings, but elders as well. In that case, everyone can manage to fill in a page with colors and figures without special qualification or innate talent. What is more, imagination has no limits. Therefore, music can be written with no hesitation or expectation for exhilarating tunes. Lay persons relish the idea of producing a tune without any special talent by using patterns and techniques from older musicians.
解析:这段的优点是使用了一些高阶表达和语法,但语言表达存在多处不准确:
On the hand:应该是 on the one hand,这是固定表达,不该出错。对于7分,考官需要通过你的表现认定你懂得如何使用并且能够相当准确地使用各种搭配。
there are those who believe that art is whenever wherever :这种表达适用于口语而不是议论文写作。
So, not only do toddlers can manage drawings but elders as well:这句有很多问题。首先是语法错误,可以看出考生想用倒装句式但没写对,正确写法是not only can toddlers manage drawings;其次是词汇错误,elders,很多考生喜欢用这个词但又经常出错,我们的建议是拿不准意思的词就别用。而且这里的elders在意思表达上并不清晰,是要说成年人还是老年人?这种词汇误用不仅影响LR分数,还会影响CC分数,因为影响了读者理解。
fill in a page:这个表达不准确,fill in是“填表”的意思,考生应该是想用fill a page。到这里为止,考生多次出现词汇不准确问题,LR无法上7。
no hesitation or expectation for exhilarating tunes:这句语言很好,但意思并不清晰。“任何人都能写音乐只要我们不期待他们写出令人振奋的东西”,到底是在说啥?考官会认为这是语言使用不准确导致的表意不清晰。考生在复习中应注意,你写的英语如果native看不懂,那么肯定是你用的语言不准确。
最后一句:问题很多。首先是词汇,lay persons应为laypeople(外行),relish the idea是固定搭配,但不适合用在这里;然后是语法,这个句子没能表达出作者的原意,现在句子的意思是“他们喜欢没天赋的音乐”,实际上作者想表达的是“没有天赋的外行人士可以用老音乐人的方法和技巧来作曲”,词汇顺序不当造成意思表达不当(影响读者理解)。
主体段2:On the other hand, there are those who insist on that gifted persons solely make art. Indeed, history has taught us that a man with innate talent can, for example, produce amazingly harmonious melodies. The same goes for poetry and painting.Monet, Picasso, Klimt, El Greco, Beethoven are really some of the glorious namely that wrote history. Not only did they use innovative methods but also no one ever before had used the same techniques. If it was not for the cube designs of which YSL became famous for his clothes, the magnificent historic reference of Seferis in his poems orrenaissance drawing walls of Leonardo da Vinci, then we would not inherit those techniques and methods we copy nowadays. Only after those gifted artists do we enjoy art is any mean with amazing results.
解析:这一段的中心句不错,观点很好,词汇也可以,但语法有问题:
insist on:这个动词词组后面必须接动名词,用了that从句的话就要去掉on,可以是:there are those who insist that gifted persons solely make art.
第二句:没必要在句中插入for example.
amazingly harmonious melodies:表达不当,不需要用amazingly。
Monet, Picasso, Klimt, El Greco, Beethoven:这串名字的最后一个之前应加and。从意思表达上说,用一串名字开始一个句子很不自然,也没必要。
Not only did they use innovative methods but also no one ever before had used the same techniques:这句话的两个部分实际上说的是一个意思,就像是在说not only do I like milk but I also really enjoy milk,造成了语言上的冗余。虽然not only...but also是很好的句式,但要结合意思表达来准确使用。
renaissance drawing walls:renaissance开头字母要大写,这个词组是错误的,应为Renaissance paintings或Renaissance painted walls.
整个倒数第二句:并没有扣住题目。这一段需要论述的是为什么只有有天赋的人才能创造艺术创造,这句话是想说只有达芬奇等有天赋的人才能创作伟大作品并为后人所仿效,但目前的语言组织导致意思表达不清晰。语法也存在问题,后半句应为we would not have inherited those techniques and methods which we copy nowadays.
最后一句:错误很多。倒装句使用不当且出错。全文已经多次使用了倒装句且多次出错,考官看到这儿会想“又来了...” 7分需要展示语法的多样性,不要反复使用某一种句式。同时,句式选择要为观点表达服务,这句可以改为:Only these people with special talents can do such things。And only the work of these kinds of people are considered art.这样才把本意表达得更清晰、更扣题。
结尾段:So clearly, what is needed for special art is the innate talent of a person and the tendency for this, but we cannot underestimate those who try to do their best in a more impulsive way.
impulsive:用词不当,作者的原意可能是“业余的”,amateurish。
结论不清晰:作者在开头段给出的个人观点是“只有有天赋艺术家才能创造特别的艺术作品”,但结尾段却在说“创造特别艺术需要天赋,但也不能低估业余创作者”,开头和结尾的观点不一致,会让读者感到困惑,TR不能上7。
全文小结:这篇作文语法不错,但表现不稳定,存在较多错误;词汇是最大的问题,存在影响理解的错误。这也是很多分数卡在6.5分的考生的共性。